What kind of relationship do you have with your body? Is it a loving one? It is a critical one? Is it an abusive one? How often do you think of what your relationship with your body is? In my practice with those suffering with body image issues – the primary relationship they have is usually a dysfunctional one. More often than not it is a cruel and unforgiving one, focusing only on what is wrong or not right with them, not usually what they believe their bodies do for them or what they are grateful for. Part of what I believe is vital to changing the narrative and beliefs about one’s body is to look into what their relationship with their body is. There are two main dysfunctional relationships with the body I see and then there is the one I try to help my clients get to.
- Abusive and Neglective relationship
This type of relationship is one where there can be overt abuse of the body – cutting, burning, hair pulling, skin picking, starving, purging and/or binging. While there are many underlying issues to all of these behaviors – the relationship they have with their bodies must be reevaluated. To them their body is not something to have compassion for – but rather something to be punished. This abuse can also be more covert – negative self-talk (you are ugly, you are too short, your face is gross etc.) This type of abuse is usually internalized from somewhere/someone in their life. A person’s relationship with their body can also reflect other relationships they have in their life. Are they treating their body how it has been treated by others? Are they using their body as an object to carry all their pain and suffering? Are they angry at their bodies and punishing them for something? Most times these clients are so detached from wanting to be “in” their bodies they fail to view it as something that has needs and should be loved and cared for. Even activities of daily living (washing, brushing, bathing) may no longer be important – as “caring” for their bodies is not a priority – congruent with how they feel about themselves.
- Relationship of Unrealistic Standards and Unrelenting Expectations
This relationship is usually one that is reflective of an ongoing theme of perfectionism in a person’s life. Goals may revolve around certain size of clothing, certain weight on the scale, certain athletic achievements or certain body type. These clients I find are on an endless search for the “perfect” body. Some clients starve themselves in order to reach a weight or a clothing size that they have deemed defines them as “good enough” Focusing on a specific number provides them with a concrete measurement of worth. There is no internal sense of worth and therefore can only be validating by something outside the self. Plastic surgery is another avenue that I see these types of clients researching and eventually going through with a procedure(s). Some may begin with lip injections or Botox around the eyes and this can progress to obsession where clients are having major surgeries and paying for procedures that they do not have the money for, eventually putting themselves in debt and their lives at risk – all in search of a body that will be “good enough”. The last way I see this type of relationship manifesting is through athletics. There is a fine line between working out for a healthy body and working out becoming an addiction. I have worked with many clients who have suffered minor to severe injuries and yet the continue to work out in the gym, run outside or participate in some kind of class, against the recommendation of their medical doctor. Nothing will get in the way of their journey towards a “perfect” body.
This leads us to the type of relationship that I strive to help my clients reach:
- Accepting and Compassionate
A loving relationship with the body is when one is able to understand what their body is telling them. Caring enough about your body to give it what it needs, what it is asking for – to be grateful for what your body can give your and to have admiration for the complexities your body holds. It also includes Learning to recognize the signals for hunger and satisfaction, for when you are injured and need rest, for carrying and producing life, for accompanying us all through the emotional ups and downs of life. The body, although imperfect, can still be accepted wholly and appreciated fully.
- Those who fully accept their body may not believe it is “perfect” – this acceptance is not about perfection. Acceptance is about loving one’s body despite the imperfections. We can relate to our bodies the way we would with a loved one- unconditional love reflected through how we treat them.
What kind of relationship would you like to have with your body?
