Self-sabotaging behavior is defined as “being a set of behaviors that create problems and interfere with goals”. These behaviors can range from something as simple as procrastinating a small task, to more serious behaviors, such as abusing alcohol, other drugs or other forms of self-destructive behaviors.
Regardless of the issues that many of my clients struggle with – one pattern that appears to be pervasive is the self-sabotaging syndrome. There are a vast amount of ways how this behavior can manifest as well as the secondary gain that those who engage in it, receive from it. Through my work I have identified 5 issues that appear in each self-sabotaging case – for some it is more than one, if not all. I refer to these as the “fuel” for the self-sabotaging behaviors.
1) Low self esteem
Many of the clients that I work with struggle with overwhelming feelings of inadequacy and lack of self-worth. Their core beliefs about themselves and the word in which they live center around the narrative of “I am not good enough”. This becomes an obstacle to accepting or even recognizing any possible achievements, often leaving the person with feelings of failure and self-doubt. The inability to see themselves as someone who could achieve creates the self-fulfilling prophecy of not achieving, thus fueling the belief that they are not enough. The likelihood then of this person to be willing to “try” is more and more anxiety provoking, increasing the chances of self-sabotaging behaviors.
2) Imposter Syndrome
The internalized belief here is that the person is constantly in fear of being “found out”. The narrative is usually akin to “If they only knew the truth” or “when will they learn the truth”. The truth being that this person is actually incapable of what others believe they are accomplishing and that they are somehow not what they are believed to be (Imposter). This pervasive self-talk and increased anxiety leads to self-sabotaging behaviors. I have seen this even in people who appear to have made a success of themselves; however, continuously live in the fear of being “found out”. It is this fear, this distortion that creates vulnerability to self-sabotaging behaviors ultimately becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.
3) Negative Projection/Expectations
This is often demonstrated through those that look for every possible negative outcome of a new experience or task. Due to their own negative beliefs about themselves and/or others they engage in the “what if” game. This distorted thinking creates a block to taking risks, facing a fear and reaching a goal. Talking oneself through that monologue – challenging one to change their perspective, if only for even a moment, can help to break through that block and intervene on the pattern of self-sabotaging behaviors.
4) Inability to let go
Many of those who struggle with sabotaging behaviors struggle with recognizing that they may not be the person that they were when first seeking out help. Those whom have a history of behaviors or experiences that lead them to internalize feelings of shame or guilt, find it hard to move away from those beliefs. Despite evidence to the contrary, evidence that can clearly support that they are now more capable and have more coping skills – many struggle with recognizing that they are changed, that they have done work on themselves, that they are no longer “sick”. The tendency is to fall back into old thinking in order to avoid the situation that is creating the fear and anxiety. In order to challenge this, it is important to constantly be brought back to the present, recognizing most recent achievements, seeking out feedback from others – create some concrete tangible facts that clearly demonstrate their change. Once someone can begin to recognize that they have changed and that new ideas and beliefs are possible, despite past experiences or actions – self sabotage can be avoidable.
5) Anxiety/Fear of the unknown
Fear and anxiety act as an obstacle to most who are facing the unfamiliar. Many of the clients I work with have become familiar with their pain and struggle. They have attached themselves to a negative internalized belief and while uncomfortable – it is a familiar to them. It is this familiar discomfort that can be preferred to idea of an “unknown” discomfort. In the familiar discomfort there is an understanding of the pain, of how it will feel, perhaps how long it will last and also how they can cope (usually maladaptive coping). It is the unknown that many balk at and self-sabotage in order to avoid. Experience and exposure are the best ways to challenge these fears. As the new “unknown” becomes familiar and known, the need to remain in the old discomfort decreases.
Self-sabotage is, in a nutshell, a way to avoid those things that people believe will be too painful or uncomfortable. It is a way to avoid creating a new belief about oneself and those around them and it is a way to avoid moving forward in one’s life. There is often a secondary gain to this behavior and once it is recognized and understood, the need for self-sabotage will no longer be as strong. One can learn to identify their fears and distorted beliefs leading to the ability to intervene on themselves before acting out the self-sabotage behavior, this decreasing the likelihood of this behavior continuing. It no longer serves the person and can therefore be let go.
