Trying to make others happy can be a positive characteristic in a person. Perhaps they are described as generous, kind, selfless, helpful, easy……but when does this cross over to behavior that can be detrimental to someone’s emotional and mental health?
Throughout my years practicing as a clinician one pervasive issue that I see with my clients is the desire to please. There is an inherent desire for these clients to make sure that those around them are happy and comfortable and that they, as a result, are accepted and liked. How many times have you agreed to do something or discuss something that made you uncomfortable simply to please another person? How often to the needs of others come before your own due to your fear of rejection or not being liked? Chances are this has happened to most of us at some point in our lives. Now imagine that this is ALL you do. What if your only goal was to make others happy? What if you were constantly pushing your own needs aside in order to meet the needs of others? There are many who struggle with this behavior and live within what is known as the self-sacrifice schema – in other words, in their world the RULE (core belief) is that they must sacrifice their own self to meet the needs of others in order to be “good enough”. Ultimately the fear being if they do not, they will inevitably be alone.
These are some of the signs you may be a people-pleaser:
- Difficulty with boundaries
- People-pleasers have tremendous difficulty with setting boundaries. They are often fearful and anxious to put up a boundary believing the risk is that they will be disliked or abandoned.
- Compromising own values and morals
- People-pleasers are more often than not agreeing to and engaging in things they actually do not want to do or are even fundamentally against. They dismiss their own values and morals if it will make another person more comfortable, more accepting and happy.
- Dismissing own needs
- When constantly trying to make others comfortable the focus is on others, not oneself. People pleasers often view their needs as invalid or unimportant. The only “need” they tend to address is meeting the needs of others.
- Victimization and resentment
- Dismissing your own needs and focusing only on making others happy can often lead to resentments. An expectation that others will act in the same way develops and inevitably ends up in disappointment. The people pleaser can then view themselves as victim of others – “I always do for them, but nobody does for me.”
- Decreased Self esteem
- If one’s own needs are not acknowledged or met, or even made known – their self-esteem is no longer determined by their own behaviors, but rather is determined by the reaction of others. If you have made them happy by meeting their needs – you are “good; however, if you have made them unhappy by meeting your own needs – you are “bad”. it is impossible to make everyone happy all of the time. This can be viewed as a failure on the part of the people pleaser, leading to further negative self-talk and lower self-worth.
Remember when a person makes the decision to take care of themselves, inevitably someone is usually disappointed. This is because when we decide to take care of ourselves our needs must become before the needs of others. Disappointment is a reality that we all must face daily at times. No one person is solely responsible for another’s feelings or reaction – only ones own. Self-care, boundary setting, meeting your own needs, putting yourself first is not selfish – it is self-care. When one learns the balance and understands that it is possible to care for others AND take care of oneself at the same time – there is a sense of freedom. In fact, the truth is one can truly not exist without the other.
