When working with clients who suffer with alcoholism, I do my best to include the family members that have been impacted. Very often, the client and the family are of the belief that focus is only on the “identified” client and that the family’s job is over once the client gets to treatment or abstains from drinking for a period of time. The truth is there is the family is as much a part of the disease and recovery process as the alcoholic. In my years of working with alcoholics and their families I have been introduced to many “myths” that the family tells themselves in regards to the disease of addiction.
MYTH #1: THIS IS NOT ABOUT US!
This is a myth that I see time and time again. While working n treatment and reaching out to families I was often met with confusion and even frustration that part of the treatment experience was going to be about them (the family). Very often the belief is that the client is the sick one – “we” have nothing to do with this – fix them – leave us out of it. This could not be further from the truth. There is a reason that addiction is referred to as a “family disease”. Nobody is spared from the wrath this diseases spreads – not wives, husbands, mothers, fathers, siblings, or children. They each have been impacted and is some cases even played a role (unknowingly) in perpetuating it. It is vital for the family to accept that they to have a recovery process and need to work on how they will begin to operate differently within the relationship so as to avoid their own risk of relapse.
MYTH # 2: THEY ARE SUCCESSFUL – THERE CANNOT BE A PROBLEM
This is a myth that can be held onto not only by family members, but friends and coworkers can also believe this to be true. If the person had money, a place to live, a job – how can they be a drunk or a junkie? The term “functional” alcoholic is tossed around and to me – this is a complete oxymoron. By definition alcoholics are not “functioning” whether the destruction is externally obvious or internally hidden – there is a lack of functioning on some level. Unfortunately there are many clients that I have worked with that would have benefited from earlier interventions – however, due to their “functioning” they were able to fool their loved ones and until something quite drastic happens (loss of the money, job, house, wife etc) they can continue to be seen as “ok”. The defense of denial not only works for the alcoholic, but also for the family. If there is denial – the problem is not there to deal with.
MYTH # 3: WE CAN CONTROL IT
This is myth that family members often hang onto as a way of not having to take action that they may not want to take. In terms of family enabling – a lot of that comes from the idea that if the alcoholic is in the home, is close by, the family can monitor or control the behavior of them. This is not the case – the truth is that many alcoholics’ addicts have actually die in their homes – in their childhood bedrooms, on the living room couch. The concept of powerlessness not only applies to the alcoholic – but also to the family. The family is powerless over what the addict chooses to do, but they are NOT powerless over their own choices.
MYTH # 4: IT IS NOT A DISEASE
The myth that addiction is not a disease, but rather a matter of will or a moral defect is one that many continue to believe. It is a myth that reinforces so many of the misunderstanding people have about addiction. It feeds into the idea that this is something that can be avoided simply by “not doing it”. The disease theory has been around for over 70 years. The NCADD recognizes alcoholism/addiction a medical illness. It is also a diagnosable mental health issue in the DSM5. The disease of alcoholism/addiction is one of the brain. The brain of an alcoholic/addict does get altered by the introduction of alcohol and/or drugs. This is why this disease is referred as chronic and progressive, one that gets worse over time, never better. The diagnosis of this disease can be made by a professional; however, until the active addict/alcoholic admits and accepts this they can remain active in their disease for years. Treatment of alcoholics and addicts can sometimes be misconstrued – it is not a moral issue, but rather a mental health one. Part of the disease is to resist treatment, to hide, to lie, to manipulate, to be selfish and to hurt those whom are closet to them. As long as the disease is kept active by use of substances or other self-destructive behaviors (gambling, sex, shopping) there is no chance for recovery. The disease must be treated just as any other disease, the treatment must be developed by those who know the disease, who understand the disease – this is not something an addict or family of an addict can do alone.
MYTH # 5: IF I DON’T HELP THEM I AM HURTING THEM
This is one of the top myths that families tell themselves. It is at the core of most of the resistance that families have when making a decision to stop enabling or set newer more firm boundaries. Many families I have worked with want their love for their child, or their parents, or their partner to be enough to save them. There is an expression “loving them to death”. This is often used in treatment to describe the consequences of enabling. This is the where the family has their own process of recovery. If an alcoholic or addict continues to use, lie or manipulate while they are being supported and cared for – there will be zero reason for them to stop. No – not enabling Is not a guarantee that the person will get sober, however, the likelihood of them getting sober decreases dramatically when there are people in their lives that are willing to enable.
Family work is a vital part of recovery and ultimately produces the best result for all involved. This is a parallel process for the addicted person and the family – each having their own recovery process that they are responsible and accountable for.
