When Help Becomes Harmful

When families of loved ones are faced with the disease of addition there is a tremendous amount of confusion, concern, anger and everything in between.  While support for an addict in recovery is vital – enabling an active addict can be lethal.  This is where so much of the conflict arises for those that are in the lives of the addict.  When do we help? When do we walk away? When does our help begin to hurt?

One of the most common battles that those who are close to the person suffering with the disease of addiction face is the question of “what do I do?”.  Watching a loved one in the grips of this deadly disease is a painful and frustrating experience.  The questions are endless and the answers are not black and white.  The truth is, you can find completely opposing beliefs among professionals as to what the best way to treat the addiction is.  For purposes of this article, I will share with you my beliefs as a professional that has been working in this field for over 20 years.

Addiction is a deadly disease – there is no arguing this point.  On recent years this disease has impacted more and more people.  Both the addict and the loved one become a prisoner to this disease.  What is also true is that recovery from this disease does not have an end point.  Recovery from addiction is something that needs to be addressed on a daily basis.  The “work” the addict must do will change over time; however, what will not change is a daily acknowledgement in some way shape or form of their addiction and their recovery.   The person in recovery is always doing one of two things – either moving towards recovery or moving towards a relapse.  Because this is daily work – there is no option of “standing still” –  you are either working in your recovery or you are not.  It is when the person who is struggling with addiction is working towards recovery that there can be support.  It is when the addict chooses to go back to active addiction that support can morph into enabling.

Ask yourself this question “am I working harder at their recovery than them?” and “Am I making it easier or more difficult for them to engage in active addiction?”.  These two questions can help to monitor your own behaviors.  As a loved one you can only do what you can do.  The truth is the addict must come to a decision to choose recovery themselves.  Your part as a loved one is to help increase the level of external motivation as much as you can with the hope that it is internalized over time.

• DO NOT provide money to a person that is active in their addiction – the goal is to make it HARDER for the addict to use – they will use the money for their substance, regardless of what may be told to you
• DO provide food, provide transport to shelter, AA/NA clubhouse, hospital
• DO NOT allow active addict to stay in your home.
• DO support opportunity for treatment. This can include detox, inpatient rehab, and state funded treatment – it does not have to be something that bankrupts you.
• DO NOT allow yourself to get pulled into a conversation of manipulation – have a mantra and stick to it “I love you and I will support you in your recovery, not your addiction”
• DO pay attention to behavior NOT words. Recovery is a verb – it is an action.  Words sound good and even can feel good to hear, but without congruent action – there is no recovery.
• DO NOT try to control the addicts’ recovery. You as a loved one cannot “MAKE” the addict do anything – you CAN contribute to their recovery but you cannot control it
• DO set boundaries and stick with them. Know what your limits are – do not say something that you are not willing to follow through on.
• DO NOT work harder at the addicts’ recovery than they do. This must be reciprocal and shown through action
• DO participate in your recovery program. Attend ALANON, Families Anonymous or utilize your own supports through religion or other belief systems. Make sure to take care of yourself.

The disease of addiction does not discriminate nor does it leave anyone unscathed.  Understand that the process of recovery is uncomfortable for all and while is it at times not a straight path, it is absolutely possible.